I know I shouldn't care how other's view me, but I do. I'm human and have problems in my life just like everyone else. Some people have no problem expressing themselves or letting others know what's going on in their life, but me I'm just the opposite. I hold everything inside of me and don't let people in. I'm guarded and I'm scared that if I let people in I'll get hurt, but then again isn't everyone?
So instead of hiding I'm actually going to discuss something that I hate talking about and that ladies and gentlemen is my weight. I'm 5'4 and 225lbs. I didn't used to have this much weight on me. My "normal weight range" used to be anywhere from 150lbs to 180lbs and I was happy there, but then one thing after another started going wrong. I lost my Poppy on June 9th, 2010; this was three days before my 22nd birthday. It hit me really hard, my Poppy was my everything and I never thought he'd leave me so soon when I really needed him the most.
Suddenly six months later our family received the news that my Dad had stage 4 lung cancer and didn't have long to live; but my Dad fought for two long years until he passed away December 30th, 2012. On top of these two traumatic events I was dealing with a lot of bullshit from my in-laws, trying to hold down a job, navigate my marriage, and keep my family together the best I could. At the time I saw nothing wrong with the amount of food I was eating and neither did my family.
That was until the weight started to show up in my face, legs, arms, hands, and especially my stomach. I hated and still do sometimes looking into the mirror and seeing this person look back at me that I didn't even recognize. I tried doing the diet thing and failed miserably at that because I couldn't understand starving myself. When I tried to workout I would psych myself out the same day I started and would end up not continuing with the workout.
Then last week I was talking to my Mom about how unhappy I was with the way I looked. My Mom told me that she just wanted to see me happy and healthy and that she knew I could get down to a healthy weight if I just put my mind to it. Now she's said this before to me but I never followed through because I didn't believe that I could lose the weight. For some reason during this conversation and I thought about my Poppy and Dad and how if they were still here they would want me to be healthy and love myself both on the inside and the outside (this caused me to cry for a few minutes).
I woke up and realized that I needed to lose the weight. That day I began walking for 20 minutes a day and plan on increasing that to 40 minutes this week and so on. I'm happy to say that since I started doing this I've lost 4lbs and have changed my eating habits too. I don't want to be judged by the way I look; I just want to be happy in the body that I'm in and I know that if I do this I will be (especially with all the support I have here on earth and up high).
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