I know I shouldn't care how other's view me, but I do. I'm human and have problems in my life just like everyone else. Some people have no problem expressing themselves or letting others know what's going on in their life, but me I'm just the opposite. I hold everything inside of me and don't let people in. I'm guarded and I'm scared that if I let people in I'll get hurt, but then again isn't everyone?
So instead of hiding I'm actually going to discuss something that I hate talking about and that ladies and gentlemen is my weight. I'm 5'4 and 225lbs. I didn't used to have this much weight on me. My "normal weight range" used to be anywhere from 150lbs to 180lbs and I was happy there, but then one thing after another started going wrong. I lost my Poppy on June 9th, 2010; this was three days before my 22nd birthday. It hit me really hard, my Poppy was my everything and I never thought he'd leave me so soon when I really needed him the most.
Suddenly six months later our family received the news that my Dad had stage 4 lung cancer and didn't have long to live; but my Dad fought for two long years until he passed away December 30th, 2012. On top of these two traumatic events I was dealing with a lot of bullshit from my in-laws, trying to hold down a job, navigate my marriage, and keep my family together the best I could. At the time I saw nothing wrong with the amount of food I was eating and neither did my family.
That was until the weight started to show up in my face, legs, arms, hands, and especially my stomach. I hated and still do sometimes looking into the mirror and seeing this person look back at me that I didn't even recognize. I tried doing the diet thing and failed miserably at that because I couldn't understand starving myself. When I tried to workout I would psych myself out the same day I started and would end up not continuing with the workout.
Then last week I was talking to my Mom about how unhappy I was with the way I looked. My Mom told me that she just wanted to see me happy and healthy and that she knew I could get down to a healthy weight if I just put my mind to it. Now she's said this before to me but I never followed through because I didn't believe that I could lose the weight. For some reason during this conversation and I thought about my Poppy and Dad and how if they were still here they would want me to be healthy and love myself both on the inside and the outside (this caused me to cry for a few minutes).
I woke up and realized that I needed to lose the weight. That day I began walking for 20 minutes a day and plan on increasing that to 40 minutes this week and so on. I'm happy to say that since I started doing this I've lost 4lbs and have changed my eating habits too. I don't want to be judged by the way I look; I just want to be happy in the body that I'm in and I know that if I do this I will be (especially with all the support I have here on earth and up high).
April 28, 2013
April 25, 2013
It's Cinnamon Challenge Time
The other morning my husband and I were watching the news and the news anchor asked "Do you dare take the Cinnamon Challenge? We'll have more on this coming up." After hearing her say this it intrigued me because I had never heard of anything called the Cinnamon Challenge. When the commercials ended the premise was explained. You take 1 tablespoon of cinnamon and try to swallow it without any water and you only have 60 seconds to do so (sounds really smart right?!). I sat there in disbelief as the news anchor went on to say how dangerous this task is and the health problems it can cause you.
I got up from the living room and walked into my office. I went onto YouTube and punched in Cinnamon Challenge just to see what would come up. Over 40,000 videos came up. I clicked on the first video and watched a girl probably no older that 15, sit in front of the camera and say she was only doing this because of how many "likes" she received on Facebook (are you freaking kidding me?). I continued watching as she took the tablespoon of cinnamon and put it into her mouth. She didn't last more than 10 seconds.
Suddenly an explosion of powder came out of her mouth and she began coughing and reaching for a glass of water that was strategically placed in front of her. After watching that I decided to look up the health effects that the Cinnamon Challenge can cause to a person. Here are the dangers in no particular order:
I thought I would make people aware of this problem, not for others to try it themselves mind you, but just to make people understand that this isn't some harmless kind of game; you can really hurt yourself by doing this. And no I did not attempt to try this challenge in case any of you were wondering. I may be a bit odd at times but I'm not stupid.
I got up from the living room and walked into my office. I went onto YouTube and punched in Cinnamon Challenge just to see what would come up. Over 40,000 videos came up. I clicked on the first video and watched a girl probably no older that 15, sit in front of the camera and say she was only doing this because of how many "likes" she received on Facebook (are you freaking kidding me?). I continued watching as she took the tablespoon of cinnamon and put it into her mouth. She didn't last more than 10 seconds.
Suddenly an explosion of powder came out of her mouth and she began coughing and reaching for a glass of water that was strategically placed in front of her. After watching that I decided to look up the health effects that the Cinnamon Challenge can cause to a person. Here are the dangers in no particular order:
- Choking
- Breathing Trouble
- Throat Irritation
- Collapsed Lungs
- Respitory Failure (requiring a ventilator in some cases)
I thought I would make people aware of this problem, not for others to try it themselves mind you, but just to make people understand that this isn't some harmless kind of game; you can really hurt yourself by doing this. And no I did not attempt to try this challenge in case any of you were wondering. I may be a bit odd at times but I'm not stupid.
April 22, 2013
Ghost Adventures...It's Not Just A Show
Over the weekend I thought about what I should write for my next blog. I had a few good topics (ie: peer pressure, family, hobbies, stuff like that) but none of them struck a big enough chord with me to want to write about it at the moment. Friday night rolled around and I tuned into my favorite show (that I never miss and have all the episodes recorded on my dvr) Ghost Adventures! It's on the Travel Channel and airs every Friday night at 9pm (new episodes and re-runs). Go to Google and type in Ghost Adventures to check them out...you will not be disappointed!!
The show consists of three investigators Zak Bagans, Nick Groff, and Aaron Goodwin. These guys are amazing!!! (sorry about all of the exclamation points but I love this show) Anyway, the three of them travel around the world in search of the paranormal and try to discover what happens after you die. For some you might be thinking this is a morbid show, but it's just the opposite. It shows that there is life after death and loved ones that you thought were gone might still be around, you just have to open yourself up to it.
I know that after watching them on tv for so many years I became intrigued to try it for myself so I decided to purchase my own digital recorder to capture some EVP's (electronic voice phenomenon's). I took the recorder and sat down at my mom's trying to see if I could capture my poppy or dad's voices in case they had anything that they needed to get off their chest. Sadly enough I didn't catch any spirit voices, but it still didn't discourage me from believing in the afterlife and that my poppy and dad are still around me.
I'll leave you with this little quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that was used in the Ghost Adventures documentary in 2004: "It is the secret of the world that all things subsist and do not die, but only retire a little from sight and afterwards return again. Nothing is dead; men feign themselves dead, and endure mock funerals and mournful obituaries, and there they stand looking out of the window, sound and well, in some new strange disguise."
The show consists of three investigators Zak Bagans, Nick Groff, and Aaron Goodwin. These guys are amazing!!! (sorry about all of the exclamation points but I love this show) Anyway, the three of them travel around the world in search of the paranormal and try to discover what happens after you die. For some you might be thinking this is a morbid show, but it's just the opposite. It shows that there is life after death and loved ones that you thought were gone might still be around, you just have to open yourself up to it.
I know that after watching them on tv for so many years I became intrigued to try it for myself so I decided to purchase my own digital recorder to capture some EVP's (electronic voice phenomenon's). I took the recorder and sat down at my mom's trying to see if I could capture my poppy or dad's voices in case they had anything that they needed to get off their chest. Sadly enough I didn't catch any spirit voices, but it still didn't discourage me from believing in the afterlife and that my poppy and dad are still around me.
I'll leave you with this little quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that was used in the Ghost Adventures documentary in 2004: "It is the secret of the world that all things subsist and do not die, but only retire a little from sight and afterwards return again. Nothing is dead; men feign themselves dead, and endure mock funerals and mournful obituaries, and there they stand looking out of the window, sound and well, in some new strange disguise."
April 19, 2013
Cleaning With Insomnia
You ever just have one of those nights where no matter how tired and exhausted your body is, your brain just won't turn off to let you go to sleep? Last night was that night for me. I know a lot of people in the world deal with insomnia on a nightly basis but luckily I only get it when I have a lot going on in my head. It's almost like when a hamster is on a wheel and running; no matter how much you try to slow it down you just can't seem to get it to shut off.
I laid in bed for 45 minutes (of course my husband and cats were sound asleep next to me) trying to drift off to sleep. I counted sheep, re-adjusted my pillows, even put on a show that usually helps me drift off to dreamland (Dual Survival...it's pretty interesting...go to Google and type it in to check it out) But no mattter what I did nothing worked (mind you it was 12AM).
Finally I decided to get up and head to my office. I sat there at my desk and pondered on what I could do to make myself go to sleep. I grabbed a binder and from start to finish worked on getting my husband's paperwork all set up for the V.A. Hospital. After tackling that I put in a load of laundry (got that folded and put away) and started on some dishes from dinner that I was going to let soak overnight. With my options running low and my brain still on high I started to clean the oven (yes no word of lie I said oven).
Maybe it was the chemicals from the cleaning products or maybe my "hamster" finally gave up the fight with the "wheel" but halfway through the cleaning my eyes started to get heavy. I picked up, washed my hands, and headed to bed. As I crawled into bed I looked at the clock: 4AM. My husband had to be up in 2 hours for an appointment at the V.A. I heard his alarm go off and didn't want to move, but I knew I had to.
So with only 2 hours of sleep here I sit writing this blog letting you become more familiar with me and my life's daily activities. Stay tuned because I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll be scrubbing when I should be sleeping. Have a good day all!
I laid in bed for 45 minutes (of course my husband and cats were sound asleep next to me) trying to drift off to sleep. I counted sheep, re-adjusted my pillows, even put on a show that usually helps me drift off to dreamland (Dual Survival...it's pretty interesting...go to Google and type it in to check it out) But no mattter what I did nothing worked (mind you it was 12AM).
Finally I decided to get up and head to my office. I sat there at my desk and pondered on what I could do to make myself go to sleep. I grabbed a binder and from start to finish worked on getting my husband's paperwork all set up for the V.A. Hospital. After tackling that I put in a load of laundry (got that folded and put away) and started on some dishes from dinner that I was going to let soak overnight. With my options running low and my brain still on high I started to clean the oven (yes no word of lie I said oven).
Maybe it was the chemicals from the cleaning products or maybe my "hamster" finally gave up the fight with the "wheel" but halfway through the cleaning my eyes started to get heavy. I picked up, washed my hands, and headed to bed. As I crawled into bed I looked at the clock: 4AM. My husband had to be up in 2 hours for an appointment at the V.A. I heard his alarm go off and didn't want to move, but I knew I had to.
So with only 2 hours of sleep here I sit writing this blog letting you become more familiar with me and my life's daily activities. Stay tuned because I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll be scrubbing when I should be sleeping. Have a good day all!
April 15, 2013
Simplicity In My Yard
I watched a robin yesterday. I sat on the couch in my office and stared out my window intently watching this bird in my yard. I watched as it walked around in the barely there grass, still dead from the cold rain and snow. The robin would pause slightly and stand as still as a statue as he listened for any movement in the ground below him. Then without notice he would dive down and begin picking up pieces of dirt with his beak trying to find the worms/bugs hidden inside.
Suddenly a large tractor drove down the road by my house (yes I said a tractor...it's normal when you live in the country) and startled the robin. I thought the robin was going to fly away and go to another part of the lawn, instead it flew into the tree, waited for the tractor to pass, and then flew back to the exact same spot on the lawn and began searching for food once again, as if nothing had happened.
At first I wasn't entirely sure why I was watching this robin or why I even cared what the bird was doing (I don't normally birdwatch). Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...I wished that I was the robin (please let me explain before you jump to conclusions). The robin was so confident in itself to find food and knew exactly what had to be done to locate what it needed; it didn't require someone else to show him what to do. Even after the tractor rode by and startled the robin, instead of flying away it waited and then went back to what it was doing; it stood up to the threat.
I must've sat there for at least 30 minutes watching this robin when my husband came in and asked me what we were going to have for dinner. I rambled out an answer and he went back to go and watch tv in the living room. As I got up to leave my office and start on dinner I glanced over at the robin one last time; it was still searching for food even though it had begun to rain. Just being able to work, feed your family, and stand up to danger when it presents itself, without all the unnecessary fillers that we deal with on a daily basis.
I wish life was that simple...
Suddenly a large tractor drove down the road by my house (yes I said a tractor...it's normal when you live in the country) and startled the robin. I thought the robin was going to fly away and go to another part of the lawn, instead it flew into the tree, waited for the tractor to pass, and then flew back to the exact same spot on the lawn and began searching for food once again, as if nothing had happened.
At first I wasn't entirely sure why I was watching this robin or why I even cared what the bird was doing (I don't normally birdwatch). Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...I wished that I was the robin (please let me explain before you jump to conclusions). The robin was so confident in itself to find food and knew exactly what had to be done to locate what it needed; it didn't require someone else to show him what to do. Even after the tractor rode by and startled the robin, instead of flying away it waited and then went back to what it was doing; it stood up to the threat.
I must've sat there for at least 30 minutes watching this robin when my husband came in and asked me what we were going to have for dinner. I rambled out an answer and he went back to go and watch tv in the living room. As I got up to leave my office and start on dinner I glanced over at the robin one last time; it was still searching for food even though it had begun to rain. Just being able to work, feed your family, and stand up to danger when it presents itself, without all the unnecessary fillers that we deal with on a daily basis.
I wish life was that simple...
April 12, 2013
I'm Me, So Deal With It (Part 2)
When I met my husband at college I had no intention of getting married, let alone fall in love. I was focused on getting my associates degree and finding a job. We had classes together and I never noticed him until he came up to me before class one day and asked me if I was "having fun yet?". Mind you I was sitting there doing flash cards for my next class. He suprised me the minute he spoke those words. It broke the ice and we struck up a conversation and I guess the rest is history.
My husband says he fell in love my with my personality and the way I carried myself. I look at myself now and I wish I was still that way. I thought when I met my husband's family they liked me and enjoyed having me around. That all changed after my husband proposed to me in December of 2008. Now granted we were only together for 10 months before he proposed but he told me that he didn't want to be with anyone else and had found the one (and yes I felt the same way).
Suddenly the family that I thought enjoyed having me around did a complete 180 and tried to convince my husband that he could do better. At first I thought I had actually done something wrong. I tried everything I could do to get back on their good side (attending family get-togethers, going to dinners, helping out, even having my husband go see them by himself...which is what they wanted all the time) but nothing worked.
About a two years ago I finally had enough. I had racked my brain for so long trying to think of what I had done to make them hate me so much and then it finally clicked...I hadn't done anything, it was them. So now here I was; I had changed my whole persona to try and fit in with these people because they didn't want me around and now after years of thinking it was me I had come to the realization that I did nothing wrong and I had to go back to the "real me".
I know it'll take time but I'm still very insecure about how I act around people when it should just be second nature to me. I'm still not back to the way I was when my husband met me (before all the backstabbing, lies, and deciet) but I'm slowly getting there. I missed being happy and I'm trying to make myself happier. I miss being around people I can trust and I'm much more careful now when it comes to choosing friends and allies. I'm hoping soon I'll be able to find me.
April 11, 2013
I'm Me, So Deal With It (Part 1)
I know that I'm not perfect and I know I will never be perfect. So why do people have a notion in their head that I need to be perfect in their eyes? When I was younger I used to think that I had to be perfect, not because of my parents or anything like that, it was just in my head I thought that I needed to be perfect to fit in with everyone else. I didn't understand then that not being perfect was a good thing and that you can never attain being perfect in your lifetime...it just isn't possible. So why do people think this way?
I think that in today's society that if your not as good as someone else you don't matter. You have to make a name for yourself or do something with your life otherwise you fall by the wayside. Like I said before I always thought I needed to be perfect or change myself to adhere to someone else. In school I tried to adapt to fit in with all of my classmates (same goes for college) and when it came to meshing with my new family (in-laws) I tried to do the same thing. Turns out I should've just been comfortable being me.
Turns out that no matter how courteous or nice you are to someone they still might not like you no matter what. I've always been a very trusting person or as my Poppy used to say "you wear your heart on your sleeve." Even though I would get hurt a lot I always went back to my old ways of trusting anyone and everyone, but a few years ago that all changed for me....
April 8, 2013
The Show Of Show's...Almost?
I know this might suprise some people to find out that enjoy watching wrestling, but I honestly can't help it. My youngest brother really got me into watching it and soon enough I was tuning in every Monday night for RAW and every Thursday (now Friday) night for Smackdown. I really enjoyed watching the different characters/personas that the athletes portrayed every night and I also couldn't resist their good looks, but then again what girl could?
Last night was the show of all show's in the wrestling industry...Wrestlemania 29. I invited my younger brother up to my house to watch the festivities. One of the matches I was dying to see involved my favorite wrestler Randy Orton (look him up...he's amazing). Orton, Sheamus, and The Big Show teamed up against one of the heels (bad guy) of the show, The Shield. All in all it was a "good" match and kicked off the start to Wrestlemania 29 with a bang.
The reason I only say that it was "good" and not great is:
Last night was the show of all show's in the wrestling industry...Wrestlemania 29. I invited my younger brother up to my house to watch the festivities. One of the matches I was dying to see involved my favorite wrestler Randy Orton (look him up...he's amazing). Orton, Sheamus, and The Big Show teamed up against one of the heels (bad guy) of the show, The Shield. All in all it was a "good" match and kicked off the start to Wrestlemania 29 with a bang.
The reason I only say that it was "good" and not great is:
- Orton, Sheamus, and Big Show are HUGE superstars in their own right and they weren't headlining on the "biggest stage of them all."
- The match was somewhat predictable and it didn't have a lot of OMG moments like I had been hoping/waiting for.
- Plus when the match ended and they had Big Show turn on Orton and Sheamus I think everyone saw that coming (these guys all have huge egos).
April 4, 2013
Writer's Block Part I
I knew going into this that writing a blog wouldn't be easy. You have to know what your talking about, be able to express yourself, and be committed to what your doing. Even though I believe I have these three things down I still can't avoid the dreaded writer's block that can plague any writer at anytime. I'm sure some would sit there and think that writing a blog wouldn't involve writer's block because it's writing what your feeling or what's going on, but this isn't true.
I sat there in bed all last night (I even ventured into my office and sat at my desk) racking my brain to try and figure out what to write about today. But I couldn't come up with a single thing. Maybe it's because nothing interesting happened in my life yesterday except going grocery shopping with my mom and heading home (I'm sure people don't want to hear about that). But writer's block is something that I think everyone can relate to on one level or another.
So instead of telling you what you should do to get rid of writer's block I'll let you know what works for me:
1.) Getting away from the computer and going for a walk.
2.) Listening to music that get's the heart pumping.
3.) Talking to my husband, mom, or brothers and finding out what's new with them.
4.) Reading a "good" book that puts you in the writing mood.
The one thing you don't want to do is sit there and stare at the computer if you're blocked. I know this won't be the last time I'll have writer's block so we'll see what tomorrow brings for me and my brain.
I sat there in bed all last night (I even ventured into my office and sat at my desk) racking my brain to try and figure out what to write about today. But I couldn't come up with a single thing. Maybe it's because nothing interesting happened in my life yesterday except going grocery shopping with my mom and heading home (I'm sure people don't want to hear about that). But writer's block is something that I think everyone can relate to on one level or another.
So instead of telling you what you should do to get rid of writer's block I'll let you know what works for me:
1.) Getting away from the computer and going for a walk.
2.) Listening to music that get's the heart pumping.
3.) Talking to my husband, mom, or brothers and finding out what's new with them.
4.) Reading a "good" book that puts you in the writing mood.
The one thing you don't want to do is sit there and stare at the computer if you're blocked. I know this won't be the last time I'll have writer's block so we'll see what tomorrow brings for me and my brain.
April 3, 2013
What Is The Norm?
Yesterday I had to go with my husband to the VA hospital for him to have a check-up done. On the way back from the VA (we use the van that they provide) an older gentleman who has been friendly with my husband asked if we had any kids? My husband and I both answered no and he then asked if we wanted to have any, again we answered no. The gentleman then proceeded to explain that, that was what he said when he was our age and oh just give it time, it'll happen. It absolutely floored me when he said this. As I told everyone in my previous blog I am just 24 years old. My husband is 26.
When I met my husband we did discuss this, just as I'm sure any other couple would when they're dating or engaged. At the time he wanted kids and I explained to him that I didn't want any. It's not that I don't enjoy being around children, because I do. I have cousins that have kids and I've watched them before without a problem. I also worked for the CROP after school program at my school for 4 years and dealt with kids ranging in age from 5-13. I enjoyed what I did and didn't mind being around the kids (they taught me a lot about life and what the new generation is all about).
However, when I was 14 was when I realized that I didn't want to be a mother. I remember fondly coming home and telling my mother, father, and poppy that I was not going to have any kids because it wasn't for me. I don't remember the response but I remember that they said to give it time and it might change. But here I am 10 years later and it hasn't. I think part of the reason is because I am a selfish person. I know some people can't sit there and admit that, but I'm comfortable enough with myself that I can. I'm selfish and I don't want to have the attention taken away from me because I have a kid. I want to be able to spend time with my husband and see the world and not have to worry about having to take care of a baby.
We have two cats and plan on getting a dog in the future. Right now I view them as my babies because they need to be cared for but not 24/7. My cats are self-suffiecient and as long as they have food, a clean litter box, and get played with they are content with life. But a baby has to be clothed, bathed, diaper changed, be fed, rocked to sleep, played with, and a million other things and this is all before school. Not to mention the amount of money a child costs a family. Having a child can cost upwards of $200,000.00 up to when the child is 18 and attends college (this all depends on where you live and how much you make, etc.)
I'm not saying people shouldn't have kids, so please don't take that from this post. All I'm getting at is kids just aren't in my future and I made that decision a long time ago and plan on sticking with it no matter what the rest of the world seems to want to say or ask. I watched my mom raise me and my brothers and it still amazes me how she handled it all. But that's why she's my mom; she can do anything!
When I met my husband we did discuss this, just as I'm sure any other couple would when they're dating or engaged. At the time he wanted kids and I explained to him that I didn't want any. It's not that I don't enjoy being around children, because I do. I have cousins that have kids and I've watched them before without a problem. I also worked for the CROP after school program at my school for 4 years and dealt with kids ranging in age from 5-13. I enjoyed what I did and didn't mind being around the kids (they taught me a lot about life and what the new generation is all about).
However, when I was 14 was when I realized that I didn't want to be a mother. I remember fondly coming home and telling my mother, father, and poppy that I was not going to have any kids because it wasn't for me. I don't remember the response but I remember that they said to give it time and it might change. But here I am 10 years later and it hasn't. I think part of the reason is because I am a selfish person. I know some people can't sit there and admit that, but I'm comfortable enough with myself that I can. I'm selfish and I don't want to have the attention taken away from me because I have a kid. I want to be able to spend time with my husband and see the world and not have to worry about having to take care of a baby.
We have two cats and plan on getting a dog in the future. Right now I view them as my babies because they need to be cared for but not 24/7. My cats are self-suffiecient and as long as they have food, a clean litter box, and get played with they are content with life. But a baby has to be clothed, bathed, diaper changed, be fed, rocked to sleep, played with, and a million other things and this is all before school. Not to mention the amount of money a child costs a family. Having a child can cost upwards of $200,000.00 up to when the child is 18 and attends college (this all depends on where you live and how much you make, etc.)
I'm not saying people shouldn't have kids, so please don't take that from this post. All I'm getting at is kids just aren't in my future and I made that decision a long time ago and plan on sticking with it no matter what the rest of the world seems to want to say or ask. I watched my mom raise me and my brothers and it still amazes me how she handled it all. But that's why she's my mom; she can do anything!
April 1, 2013
Turning Into Something More
My husband and I left my mother's last night after having Easter dinner and patiently waited for the season finale of The Walking Dead. My husband and myself have watched the show from the beginning and like the rest of the world seem to have a facscination with zombies. I had planned on this blog being about what went on in the season finale but something else caught my eye. The new tagline for AMC...something more. Those two words struck such a cord with me when I first saw the commercial.
Something more means a lot of things to people, but to me it makes me think of what if. What if there is something more to the situation or what if there is something more coming. My husband and I had a discussion after the season finale ended about what would we have done in Andrea's situation. Would we have killed ourselves so we wouldn't have to turn into a flesh eater or would we have had someone else do it even though knowing that they would have to have that on their conscious the rest of their life. My husband stated that he would have killed himself to avoid all of the above. However, when it came to me making a decision I was very indicisive about it. The idea of killing myself, even though I would know what I would turn into scares me so much. But at the same time I wouldn't want to make someone have to sit there and shoot me because I know I'd be begging for my life. All in all death scares me.
I've lost enough people around me that I really do wonder what happens when you die. Do you become a ghost and never truly leave this world? Or do you go to heaven or hell for eternity? With so many questions the thought of dying sends chills down my spine. I know sooner or later it will happen, but I just wish I knew what to expect. If there is something more...
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