I'm Me, So Deal With It (Part 2)

When I met my husband at college I had no intention of getting married, let alone fall in love. I was focused on getting my associates degree and finding a job. We had classes together and I never noticed him until he came up to me before class one day and asked me if I was "having fun yet?". Mind you I was sitting there doing flash cards for my next class. He suprised me the minute he spoke those words. It broke the ice and we struck up a conversation and I guess the rest is history.

My husband says he fell in love my with my personality and the way I carried myself. I look at myself now and I wish I was still that way. I thought when I met my husband's family they liked me and enjoyed having me around. That all changed after my husband proposed to me in December of 2008. Now granted we were only together for 10 months before he proposed but he told me that he didn't want to be with anyone else and had found the one (and yes I felt the same way).

Suddenly the family that I thought enjoyed having me around did a complete 180 and tried to convince my husband that he could do better. At first I thought I had actually done something wrong. I tried everything I could do to get back on their good side (attending family get-togethers, going to dinners, helping out, even having my husband go see them by himself...which is what they wanted all the time) but nothing worked.

About a two years ago I finally had enough. I had racked my brain for so long trying to think of what I had done to make them hate me so much and then it finally clicked...I hadn't done anything, it was them. So now here I was; I had changed my whole persona to try and fit in with these people because they didn't want me around and now after years of thinking it was me I had come to the realization that I did nothing wrong and I had to go back to the "real me".

I know it'll take time but I'm still very insecure about how I act around people when it should just be second nature to me. I'm still not back to the way I was when my husband met me (before all the backstabbing, lies, and deciet) but I'm slowly getting there. I missed being happy and I'm trying to make myself happier. I miss being around people I can trust and I'm much more careful now when it comes to choosing friends and allies. I'm hoping soon I'll be able to find me.