This Day

Yesterday I was excited about telling all of you what I found from my Ancestry tree. Sitting here today maybe I wonder if maybe I should have just told you yesterday. I discovered that on both my mother's and father's side I have Native American ancestors. I know that I should be more excited, like I was yesterday, but the excitement has disappeared.

Three years ago today I lost my best friend. I lost the person that I could talk to about anything and could trust to keep my secrets. I lost the person who taught me everything I wanted to learn. I lost the person that in my heart can never be replaced. I lost my Poppy.

I sat up last night until 1:01AM. The exact time my Poppy passed away. I sat there and wished and hoped that I could just go to sleep, wake up, and have this all be a dream. That when I awoke I'd be able to just jump in the car and drive down and see him. Sitting there. Smiling at me and asking how I'd been. Just like nothing changed.

The tears seem to fall so much easier when this time rolls around. No matter how hard I try to I can't hold them in any longer, just like that day when I knew he was gone. They fall onto this keyboard and I know I should just wipe them away but I let them sit there. Each tear is another piece of him that I'm losing and I can't lose him again.

Maybe I'll start to bottle up all my tears and keep them on a shelf. And each time I look at them I won't have the urge to cry anymore because I'll see all the tears I've already shed. But I doubt that I'll ever be able to stop crying. I just want my life back the way it was before everything crashed down around me. I want the hurt to stop.

You know when people say 'goodbyes aren't forever', it's so untrue. Because I know I have a way's to go until I can ever see him again and for me it feels like I never will. I just wish this day would disappear and that I could just sleep through it and not have to deal with the pain. If only.